When the ties break, pain lingers for partners, children
In the shadows: Molly is learning to climb out of dark despair, following her separation, through counselling. Picture: Rudolf Portillo
Friday, March 16, 2007
NOT all marriages are made in heaven. There are many reasons that cause a unity of two people who took vows to support each other in good and bad times to break. It could be something as serious as physical or psychological abuse and unfaithfulness or something as frivolous as a fight over shopping expenses.
According to 2005 statistics obtained from the Brunei Darussalam Syariah Court, 1,806 couples exchanged marriage vows and 385 dissolved their union through divorce.
Divorce is an ugly word for most married couples and their children, but in many cases it can be the only responsible action. But no matter how noble the divorce decision can be, it is usually traumatic.
A 29-year-old accounts clerk, who wanted to be known as Molly, told The Brunei Times that her separation from her husband of eight years was an emotional labyrinth for herself and her two children.
"My husband left me when I was three months pregnant with my second child," she said of the man who had operated a successful business before he succumbed to the lure of drugs.
She said her husband also had also been involved with other women, and his leaving left her to bring up the children, now seven and 11 months old, on her own.
While her husband is getting treatment at the Al-Islah rehabilitation centre in Muara, Molly's parents have taken her and the children under their care.
"I'm just grateful that my parents are supportive. But I still feel a lot of guilt because my son keeps asking about his father," she says of her boy who compounds her pain with questions like "where's papa?" and "why do other kids have fathers and I don't?"
"At times I pitied my children but the questions also reminded me that they have a father. I'm also reminded of my foolish act of falling for him. I've asked myself time and again, 'Why did I choose him?"'
After the birth of her daughter, Molly was referred to the Welfare and Community Department, where she met a counsellor who gave her advice on coping with the divorce and helped motivate her to move on in life.
She also plans to take her son for counselling because without proper treatment to curb his emotional roller coaster of grief and sadness, depression is a possibility.
That may be the best thing Molly could do for her son, as research by Dr Todd E Linaman a psychologist and founder of Relational Advantage, in Arizona found that preschoolers tend to be egocentric and blame themselves for the parents' divorce or separation.
He suggested that "interventions should concentrate on the parents in the form of a family focused intervention" and proposed that therapies "should also emphasise on parenting skills and reducing conflict".
As children at this age refuse to talk about the divorce or separation, discussing the issue indirectly might be effective.
It cannot be denied that divorce can have long-term effects on children.
For a single 33-year-old sales executive who identified herself as Fairuz, the divorce of her parents 17 years ago made her cynical about marriage, love and men.
"I'm afraid that the man I marry would cheat on me," she said, explaining that her parents divorced due to her father's infidelity.
"I was 16 when they divorced. My dad had a girlfriend when my mum was pursuing her masters and doctorate in London."
She said the strong bond that she and her four other sisters had with their father was shattered, especially when all five daughters decided to stay with their mother.
Fairus said initially, the divorce did not affect her A-level studies at the Duli Pengiran Muda Al-Muhtadee Billah College.
"But during that time, I remember getting mad with my father for his unreliability in picking me up from and to school. It reaffirmed my belief that he was untrustworthy."
The situation came to a head when Fairuz found out that she could not pursue her tertiary education overseas because her father had squandered her college fund on his second wife.
During this tough moment, Fairuz and her sisters were each other's rock.
"We were the only ones who understood each other. Of course there was an episode of self pity. In an instant we had to grow up fast as we need to be strong for our mother."
Fairuz has nothing but admiration for her mother.
"My mom was strong through this ordeal. She had supportive friends that she could talk to."
Since the divorce, her father had remarried and had two more children.
"My sisters and I attended his wedding because whatever happened, he's still our father. But it was also the moment where I realised that we've lost him for good. I was heartbroken that day."
But Fairuz and her sisters have isolated themselves from their father's second family, as they do not get along with their stepmother. Now they only get together occasionally at family functions.
When a divorce takes place, anger is usually the main emotion that is felt among those involved, and counsellers often use the phrase "time heals".
Maybe not for some. Neesa Helmi, 25, who works for a construction company, is still upset with her father although her parents' divorce took place when she was 12.
"I was mad for a long time at my dad for abandoning the family. For years I didn't want to salam him whenever I bumped into him at family functions."
Neesa found solace in school during this turmoil.
"It's the only thing that didn't change. I could focus and I had two teachers who consoled and gave me counselling."
Through this ordeal, her father had never given financial support. "My mom worked to support us all. When I graduated, my dad was proud of me. But I felt that he didn't have the right to be proud of my achievement."
While the younger generation in Brunei is slightly open about discussing divorce, the older generation still considers the topic a taboo.
Getting divorcees above the age of 40 in Brunei to share their experience was a very difficult task.
They still adhere to the adage of "not washing your dirty laundry in public".
According to psychologists Dr Edward A Dreyfuss, most people refuse to share their experiece as many inappropriately believe that divorce means that they have failed.
"Not that the marriage failed, but that they personally failed hence they are a failure. It is as though they believe that when people marry it is supposed to last forever, as though it were preordained; thus, if the marriage ends they must have done something wrong to make it happen," he said in one of his articles.
He said married couples should accept that marriage like everything else involves changes. "Sometimes two people are able to grow, change and evolve in similar directions, sometimes not. Sometimes our expectations remain constant, more often they change.
"Sometimes our expectations are the same as our partners, and sometimes not. The longer we live, the more possibility for change to be in different directions." The Brunei Times
According to 2005 statistics obtained from the Brunei Darussalam Syariah Court, 1,806 couples exchanged marriage vows and 385 dissolved their union through divorce.
Divorce is an ugly word for most married couples and their children, but in many cases it can be the only responsible action. But no matter how noble the divorce decision can be, it is usually traumatic.
A 29-year-old accounts clerk, who wanted to be known as Molly, told The Brunei Times that her separation from her husband of eight years was an emotional labyrinth for herself and her two children.
"My husband left me when I was three months pregnant with my second child," she said of the man who had operated a successful business before he succumbed to the lure of drugs.
She said her husband also had also been involved with other women, and his leaving left her to bring up the children, now seven and 11 months old, on her own.
While her husband is getting treatment at the Al-Islah rehabilitation centre in Muara, Molly's parents have taken her and the children under their care.
"I'm just grateful that my parents are supportive. But I still feel a lot of guilt because my son keeps asking about his father," she says of her boy who compounds her pain with questions like "where's papa?" and "why do other kids have fathers and I don't?"
"At times I pitied my children but the questions also reminded me that they have a father. I'm also reminded of my foolish act of falling for him. I've asked myself time and again, 'Why did I choose him?"'
After the birth of her daughter, Molly was referred to the Welfare and Community Department, where she met a counsellor who gave her advice on coping with the divorce and helped motivate her to move on in life.
She also plans to take her son for counselling because without proper treatment to curb his emotional roller coaster of grief and sadness, depression is a possibility.
That may be the best thing Molly could do for her son, as research by Dr Todd E Linaman a psychologist and founder of Relational Advantage, in Arizona found that preschoolers tend to be egocentric and blame themselves for the parents' divorce or separation.
He suggested that "interventions should concentrate on the parents in the form of a family focused intervention" and proposed that therapies "should also emphasise on parenting skills and reducing conflict".
As children at this age refuse to talk about the divorce or separation, discussing the issue indirectly might be effective.
It cannot be denied that divorce can have long-term effects on children.
For a single 33-year-old sales executive who identified herself as Fairuz, the divorce of her parents 17 years ago made her cynical about marriage, love and men.
"I'm afraid that the man I marry would cheat on me," she said, explaining that her parents divorced due to her father's infidelity.
"I was 16 when they divorced. My dad had a girlfriend when my mum was pursuing her masters and doctorate in London."
She said the strong bond that she and her four other sisters had with their father was shattered, especially when all five daughters decided to stay with their mother.
Fairus said initially, the divorce did not affect her A-level studies at the Duli Pengiran Muda Al-Muhtadee Billah College.
"But during that time, I remember getting mad with my father for his unreliability in picking me up from and to school. It reaffirmed my belief that he was untrustworthy."
The situation came to a head when Fairuz found out that she could not pursue her tertiary education overseas because her father had squandered her college fund on his second wife.
During this tough moment, Fairuz and her sisters were each other's rock.
"We were the only ones who understood each other. Of course there was an episode of self pity. In an instant we had to grow up fast as we need to be strong for our mother."
Fairuz has nothing but admiration for her mother.
"My mom was strong through this ordeal. She had supportive friends that she could talk to."
Since the divorce, her father had remarried and had two more children.
"My sisters and I attended his wedding because whatever happened, he's still our father. But it was also the moment where I realised that we've lost him for good. I was heartbroken that day."
But Fairuz and her sisters have isolated themselves from their father's second family, as they do not get along with their stepmother. Now they only get together occasionally at family functions.
When a divorce takes place, anger is usually the main emotion that is felt among those involved, and counsellers often use the phrase "time heals".
Maybe not for some. Neesa Helmi, 25, who works for a construction company, is still upset with her father although her parents' divorce took place when she was 12.
"I was mad for a long time at my dad for abandoning the family. For years I didn't want to salam him whenever I bumped into him at family functions."
Neesa found solace in school during this turmoil.
"It's the only thing that didn't change. I could focus and I had two teachers who consoled and gave me counselling."
Through this ordeal, her father had never given financial support. "My mom worked to support us all. When I graduated, my dad was proud of me. But I felt that he didn't have the right to be proud of my achievement."
While the younger generation in Brunei is slightly open about discussing divorce, the older generation still considers the topic a taboo.
Getting divorcees above the age of 40 in Brunei to share their experience was a very difficult task.
They still adhere to the adage of "not washing your dirty laundry in public".
According to psychologists Dr Edward A Dreyfuss, most people refuse to share their experiece as many inappropriately believe that divorce means that they have failed.
"Not that the marriage failed, but that they personally failed hence they are a failure. It is as though they believe that when people marry it is supposed to last forever, as though it were preordained; thus, if the marriage ends they must have done something wrong to make it happen," he said in one of his articles.
He said married couples should accept that marriage like everything else involves changes. "Sometimes two people are able to grow, change and evolve in similar directions, sometimes not. Sometimes our expectations remain constant, more often they change.
"Sometimes our expectations are the same as our partners, and sometimes not. The longer we live, the more possibility for change to be in different directions." The Brunei Times
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