The place of sex in a strong marriage

IN EVERY relationship, there are sensitive topics that cause frustration, resentment or anger. The two most common are sex and financial issues. This begs the question, why should sex, a force that can initially attract a couple to one another and ignite the passions leading to love, cause so much disruption and friction later in a relationship? As with so many issues in relationships, the problems are not usually rooted in sex itself, but our beliefs, communication and needs in regards to sex. Thus, the couple who can explore these topics often finds that their sexual relationship, indeed their entire relationship, will improve.

A common belief is that sex is a natural spontaneous event serving as a barometer for the health of a relationship. As couples know, sex in the initial stages of a relationship is exciting, initiated by both parties, spontaneous and, therefore, frequent. However, statistics show that the average frequency of sex decreases sharply within the first year of marriage and drops even more precipitously after children enter the picture. This decline is likely due to life circumstances and our reaction to the familiar, rather being attributable to relationship issues.

One of the primary reasons for a decline in sexual activity is the decrease in novelty. Novelty is a major sexual stimulant and is virtually automatic early in relationships. Later, sex with one's spouse becomes more familiar and less novel, therefore somewhat less exciting and frequent. Lack of time is another reason for decreased sexual activity. Couples simply make less time for sex as they become busier with work and families, and often this is mutually agreeable as priorities shift. Do not be led to believe that a decline in the spontaneity and frequency of sex means that you are less in love with your spouse, or that they are less in love with you.

While it's easy to say not to worry about the relationship if the frequency of sex declines, it is often hard to do. The degree of desire is not measured on any absolute scale but in relation to one another: there is always one spouse who would like more sex than the other. For the high desire partner, the perceived lack of interest in sex by one's spouse is often misconstrued as lack of love or diminished attraction. The high desire partner will often find that repeatedly being rebuffed when trying to initiate sex becomes frustrating and leads to feelings of rejection and resentment.

At this point it is essential that couples begin to communicate effectively about their sexual relationship in order to avoid the problems that can easily follow. There are several things that both parties must realise. First, the low desire spouse needs to cast off the belief that sex should always be spontaneous, like it was at the beginning of the relationship. Many people believe that they should only have sex when they are spontaneously and overwhelmingly aroused by their spouse. It can be hard to feel in the mood after a long day or when you feel resentful toward your partner for the many annoying things they do, or don't do, during a typical week. Marriage and family therapists frequently recommend that the low desire partner take heed of the Nike slogan and "just do it".

For many, this is an outrageous notion. They wonder if they'll feel used. Interestingly, participants in workshops on improving relationships have tried this and found that by initiating frequent sex with their spouses for two weeks, they found that the latter decreased their annoying behaviours or increased their positive ones, became more affectionate and more thoughtful. Seeing one's partner in a more positive light further increases the inclination of the low desire partner to have sex, which creates a win-win situation. This leads to the second point that couples must realise, declining to have sex does not mean that one is rejecting their mate. Unfortunately, this is the mindset that tends to develop among those who desire more frequent sex. Usually, though not always, it is males who seek more sex. When a man initiates it and is turned down he often feels that the rejection is personal. Many men perceive this to mean that they are less attractive to their spouse, that their spouse loves them less, or that they are now less important than other things.

It is important for a partner who is feeling rejected and becoming resentful to examine their feelings around the issue. Commonly, what it comes down to is the fact that the rejected partner feels less loved. Their mate would usually argue the opposite, insisting that the lack of sex in no way reflects any decrease in love or attraction. It is important for this couple to talk about how they can express their love for one another. The partner feeling rejected must acknowledge that the other's lower desire does not reflect underlying changes in commitment or love. The high desire partner may simply have to adjust their expectations and learn to be content with less sex. Alternatively, he or she can work with their partner to learn what tends to increase the likelihood of sex, and work to make this happen. Often, simply reducing the expectation or pressure for sex and the tension surrounding it can lead to an increase in frequency.

Being in love does not mean that sex is always spontaneous and frequent. Having different levels of desire is the norm and not indicative of either spouse having a problem or being sexually incompatible. Being rejected when initiating sex does not mean that one's spouse is less in love or less attracted than before when sex was more frequent.

Sex can happen, and be great, even if one is not initially overwhelmed with the urge. Frequently, one can become aroused once things get started. Even if having sex is not exactly what one would like to be doing at the moment, if one does it to demonstrate caring and love for one's partner then the relationship is bound to improve. And last, as relationships evolve, one must adapt.

Many couples find that their sex lives and their entire relationships improve by realising that they need to schedule time for sex and intimacy, and they need to take the time and effort to talk about what it means to them and what they want from one another.

The writer is a private psychologist at Brunei's Riverview Medical Clinic.

The Brunei Times