Motivation to push changes

I NEED to lose weight. I should really exercise more. I ought to quit smoking. I need to quit wasting my time and be more productive to lead a quality life.

Any of these sound familiar? As a therapist, these are common refrains I hear repeated frequently by clients, by those I know outside my work, and even by myself.

Virtually everybody knows that they could do something differently to improve their life and feel better about themselves, yet they appear to lack the motivation to follow through with these ideas.

What I have found is that sometimes changing your thinking can dramatically change your motivation and help find the necessary push to make the desired changes.

This is actually the underlying principle for much of modern therapy — change your thinking and you can change your life.

Let's take, as an example, the case of an individual wanting to exercise more. This is a great example because it is so common. Likely, everyone reading this article would benefit from more exercise.

Despite the myriad excellent reasons for exercising many people simply cannot summon sufficient motivation to follow through with their exercise regimes, gym memberships and exercise equipment.

Regardless of how many times these people admonish themselves, saying, "I really need to exercise because there are so many good reasons why I should," they still do not.

My observation is that this kind of internal dialogue is not very helpful. It is simply not motivating.

Anyone who has had training in motivation or has studied some psychology and been introduced to behavioural theories knows that people, respond better to positive reinforcement than to negative reinforcement. Therefore, if you want yourself to respond, it is better to use positive reinforcement on yourself.

A definition of the terms mentioned above would be helpful. Negative reinforcement is when something negative is removed after the desired behaviour is produced. For example, your spouse nagging that you never put down the toilet seat is negative reinforcement. When you put the seat down (desired behaviour) the nagging (undesirable stimulus) stops, which increases the likelihood you will put the seat down more often. Positive reinforcement is when a desired stimulus is given after the desired behaviour has been produced.

For example, your spouse may give you a warm smile and say "thanks" (desired stimulus) after you put down the toilet seat (desired behaviour), thereby increasing the likelihood of having you put down the seat. Typically, positive reinforcement is more effective than negative reinforcement and is certainly more helpful in terms of building one's confidence, self-esteem and self-worth.

In the real world, negative reinforcement often takes the form of criticism from others or self-deprecating remarks.

I've become aware that many people use negative reinforcement on themselves. They nag themselves, apply guilt, put themselves down and are highly critical.

They may go to bed at night saying to themselves, "you really should go for a run tomorrow morning. You know that you need to." Unfortunately, this kind of self-talk is not very motivating. It almost turns the situation into one where we might only exercise in order to avoid the feelings of guilt we put on ourselves. When we don't follow through with our plans to exercise, we often end up being more critical of ourselves, more guilty and inadequate and suffering reduced self-esteem.

I have found that the words must, need to, ought to and should be particularly unhelpful. Using these words implies that there is a universal directive dictating how we should live, and when we fail to comply we feel inadequate.

A more useful and motivating approach is to cast away the language and thinking of should, ought, need to and must. Instead, take some time to discover why you want to do a particular behaviour, like exercise. Think of the benefits it will bring you, both physical and psychological. "I'll feel fitter, healthier and stronger. I'll feel confident, able, committed, responsible, hard working and proactive. I will feel like I'm in control of my life. I will be behaving more like the person I want to be."

I often like to have people imagine what it will feel like, emotionally, to exercise regularly. I like to have them talk about what it would say about them when they are the kind of person who exercises regularly. These discussions make the goal more tangible, more alive and more motivating. It is certainly more motivating to exercise for all the reasons above rather than because one "should".

It is also helpful to change one's self-talk to be more supportive and to be linked to the goals one has. To say, "I'd like to exercise tomorrow morning because it will be one step closer to being the person I want to be. I'd feel good about myself for taking control and then feel like a better person. I know I'll want to lie in bed, but I'll try to resist that urge. Tomorrow morning is a decision. One choice will allow me to feel better about myself, the other will not. I'd like to take that choice to become a better person. I want to exercise tomorrow for me, not because I need to or should, but because it's my preferred choice." It is all about doing something because you want to rather than because you ought to.

When one follows through with the behaviour, such as exercising, it is easy to give oneself ample positive reinforcement through rewards or through positive self talk. Instead of simply not feeling guilty, one can feel capable, confident and as though they are in control of the process of creating a better self.

The cognitive strategies mentioned above can be very helpful, especially making the objective personally meaningful and changing the self-talk. Next week's article will deal with behavioural strategies to help with motivation.

The writer is a private psychologist at Brunei's Riverview Medical Clinic.

The Brunei Times