Talking to children about reproduction

TEACHING children about sex leads to experimentation, promiscuity and a decline in the moral fabric of society. At least this is what some people believe.

On the other hand, I believe our elders passed on considerable experience and wisdom in the form adages. "A little bit of knowledge is a dangerous thing," describes children and youth who may have learned some things about sex from their friends, but not enough to be knowledgeable.

"Forewarned is forearmed," describes those youth whose parents have educated them so they understand enough about sexuality to have informed opinions and beliefs. They are able to assert themselves and feel confident about their decisions.

When your child's friend says to them, "We can do --- because it's not really having sex, and besides, it's safe," will your child think, "My parents said never to have sex, but if this isn't sex, them I'm not breaking the rules," or will your child think, "I don't care what my friends say, I believe this is a sexual behaviour that is not safe and not something I will do."

While many parents want their children to be knowledgeable enough to deal with matters of sexuality in a proactive and safe manner, the very thought of sitting down to have "the talk" fills them with dread. It likely provokes the same emotion in their child. Talk with my parents about sex — yuck! It needn't be this way. There are several straightforward and simple tips that make the job (or responsibility) more comfortable for everyone.

First, become comfortable with the language of sexuality while your children are still young. Use the correct words for genitalia and bodily functions. Using cute words sends a message that there is something wrong with the proper names and later you will find it uncomfortable to switch to using the proper names. There is nothing wrong with children using the correct scientific words of the male and female reproduction organs. They are a part of their body and there is no shame in that.

Be open and honest with young children without offering too much information. When children ask why men and women have different parts, you can explain that women need a way for a baby to come out. When your child asks, "What are those two dogs doing?" You can say that they're mating and that the female will have puppies soon. When young children receive these answers, they're generally content and don't feel as though anything is being hidden. It is often the mystique surrounding sexuality that drives young people to experiment. Reduce the mystery with simple straightforward language and open dialogue. Consider these quotes from young people.

"A lot of our curiosity about sex and sexuality could be satisfied with frank and open discussion," said one. Another said that it is "the mystique surrounding sex in a Muslim family that sparks curiosity. The lure becomes stronger the less your parents discuss it."

Make talking with your kids about sex a lifelong conversation. As already mentioned, begin when they are infants by providing the proper language. As they grow older you must adapt explanations to questions so they are age appropriate. An older child may ask how mating causes a baby. You can explain that sperm goes from the man into a woman and causes a baby to grow in her womb. Later, when your child is even older, you can explain exactly how that transfer takes place. During your child's adolescence, you can explain the emotional and moral aspects of sexuality. You will introduce the idea of preventing pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. The sex talk is not a one-time event, but an ongoing two-way dialogue that builds trust and respect between children and their parents.

It is also necessary for parents to clarify their own sexual values and to model behaviour that is appropriate and consistent with these values. It is naive to believe that your children will not be exposed to anything sexual if you ignore the subject. The fact is that they will be exposed to sexuality by peers, the media, art and literature. Some of this may not conform to your values, so it is important to clearly model what you want your child to learn.

If you're watching television where a couple meet and jump into bed together, feel free to comment on this behaviour, mentioning the risk of pregnancy and STDs and any emotional or moral issues that are relevant to you and age appropriate for your child. Try not to condemn others, but gently explain how your beliefs may be different. Also, screen the media that your child accesses via DVDs, TV and the Internet since much of it is age inappropriate.

As already mentioned, your child will be more empowered by education than the imposition of your will upon them. Provide supervised opportunities for your child to interact with the opposite sex and gain confidence.

For youth who are sheltered by their parents from any significant contact with the opposite sex, a chance encounter can result in a total loss of moral judgment. Imagine kids who are never given the opportunity to even talk with members of the opposite sex being put in a classroom with attractive people who may show an interest in them. They just can't handle it.

The last tip is that you can be honest with your child. You want your child to see you as a person who is honest and open when they have questions about sexuality, so that your child will come to you, rather than friends who have less knowledge or different values, when they have questions or concerns. While this may take some practice and you may not do everything right the first time round, it is worth the effort.

The Brunei Times