Developing resilience in children to cope with life

SITI, age 17, says she owes her life to her counsellor.

Three months ago she was a struggling first year university student, barely making passing grades in most classes and failing English, when she had been accustomed to getting As and Bs through high school. She felt like she didn't fit in because her college mates appeared more mature and confident, with clear career and life goals. She wasn't sure why she was in university, except that everyone expected it. She couldn't talk to her parents about her problems and her best friend had just moved overseas. The loneliness, frustration and sense of failure overwhelmed her to the point she had frequent thoughts of suicide, simply because that would be easier than facing another day.

Siti recognised that she needed help, so she made an appointment to see the university counsellor and talk about it. The counsellor listened carefully and agreed that her problems are overwhelming; and helped Siti to formulate some goals for counselling that would improved her situation. After meeting twice a week for three weeks, Siti felt considerably better and her last marks were significantly better.

While Siti credits the counsellor, her counsellor credits Siti's resilience for her recovery. She was able to identify that she had a problem and was willing and able to seek professional help, an important part of resilience. Siti now knows that she has resilience and will be able to face future problems with greater optimism and confidence.

Resilience is the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats, or even significant sources of stress, such as family and relationship problems, serious health problems, or school stressors. It means "bouncing back" from difficult experiences. Resilience is not a trait that people either have or do not have. It involves behaviours, thoughts, and actions that can be learned and developed in anyone. It is, therefore, essential that parents and the community pay attention to developing these traits in children from birth through to adulthood.

There are many factors that research has shown to be associated with resilience or contributing factors in resilience. Most of these would not surprise anybody. Children need parental availability, love, consistency and discipline. Relationships that create love and trust, model positive behaviour and offer encouragement and support bolster a person's resilience. Part of this modelling includes setting a good example when coping with setbacks, demonstrating positive communication strategies and the ability to solve problems by discussing them and working through them collaboratively.

The aforementioned ideas are nothing new and can be found in any parenting literature. There are, however, some ideas that are not commonly considered that are worth mentioning. First, it is important that both parents and schools focus on raising a balanced person, not a high-achieving performer. If children and teenagers are made to feel as though their ultimate goal is to please parents or teachers, not themselves, they won't learn how to identify their own strengths and preferences. Happiness, creativity, and the innovative spirit are crushed when kids believe they need to fit into the perfect box. Children can quickly feel inadequate when they believe they don't measure up to expectations.

It is important that children have an adult with who will mentor them, help them develop strong values, show a genuine interest in them and be there to listen to a child's concerns. Unfortunately, not every child has the benefit of parents who have that child's best interests in mind. Many children are at risk as a result of their home life.

Liking school and feeling safe are important protective factors for at-risk youth. School should be both enjoyable and purposeful. When children enjoy school, they have a safe haven even when family life is difficult or damaging. School counsellors are a vital aspect of school-based support.

The larger community can also help youth develop increased resiliency. After school programmes that provide a chance to "hang out" in a supervised environment and talk to an adult can help youth feel supported. Organised sports teams for kids of all abilities, religious youth groups, drop-in centres, youth recreation centres, organised volunteer opportunities are also important. So too are professional and lay coun-sellors. To help your child develop greater resilience so as to thrive through their adolescence, consider your parenting and its impact upon your child. It is also important to consider society as a whole, and how children can be supported by a religious organisation, schools and community groups. As the old African proverb says, "It takes a village to raise a child".

Todd McPherson, MA is a Psychologist/Therapist at the Riverview Medical Clinic, Bandar Seri Begawan, Brunei Darussalam.

The Brunei Times